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198 – Defining Definitions; nice guy vs. good man


Defining Definitions,  nice guy vs. good man…

I have several things to talk about today, but before I jump into it, I’m going to recognize our amazing sponsors of the Friday episodes.  The one and only, StumpTown Kilts.

Stumptown Kilts has been our sponsor for around 6 months now.  During that time several of you have answered the call and gotten your very own Stumptown kilt…but I know a  lot more of you are thinking about it.  I know you want one, so stop putting it off and head over to and get one, you will be glad you did.

It’s a win-win-win!  You win because you get a superbly crafted, innovative, amazing kilt that everyone will notice and be envious of.  I win, because by getting a kilt from our sponsor you are also supporting the show—and Stumptown Kilts wins because they get another ecstatic lifelong customer to ad to their growing list of happy kilt wearers.  What could be better than a three-way win?

So don’t wait, head over to and pick out that kilt you have been thinking of since I first started talking about them.  Once you have the kilt and all the accessories you want picked out, remember to enter the code:  betterman, at checkout.  When you do that you will receive 10% off your entire purchase.  Do it today!

Ok, in the last episode, number 197 called The Minutia Of Manhood, I hit a nerve with a few guys.  I hit a nerve because I was talking in real plain english about the fact that when you don’t pay attention to the details of your life, the minutia, that you might be something other than a man.  You might still be a boy.

The thing is, it’s only tough to hear stuff like that if it’s true.  I know I hit some of you where you live and it’s not comfortable.  There was one guy who wrote into me about it.  I won’t give his name because I don’t have his permission, but he wrote in and told me that episode pissed him off and made him angry…at himself. 

Sometimes when the truth hits you in the face you can’t duck, you can’t roll with the punch, you just have to take it and that’s what he did.  I’m really proud of this guy because when confronted with the truth he stood up and owned it.  He finished his letter by thanking me for giving him a walkup call.

I wrote him back and gave him a little advice.  It’s not an easy thing to suddenly change the way you have been all your life.  It requires daily effort and daily focus.  It’s also not that easy if you are surrounded by people who are not concerned with being better.  I suggested that if his current friends are not interested in improving that he may want to spend less time with them and find like minded people to interact with.  That saying that we are the sum total of the five people we spend the most time with is really true.  So who we spend time with and interact with is really, really important.

A few episodes ago I suggested that this show could be a means of connecting guys who are like-minded and interested in being better men.  I asked for feedback from people who would be interested in that.  I only got a couple guys who wrote and said that was something they would like to do, so I didn’t pursue it.

However, I was able to connect this guy that wrote in, with another guy who responded to that suggestion a couple weeks ago.  Now there are two like-minded guys that are connected.  They will be able to communicate and help each other and be a support for one another in their common goal of being a better man.  They will also increase that sum total of the five people they spend the most time with.

I call it dual mentorship, and I believe it works because it’s been working since the dawn of time.  So I’m putting it out there again…if you would like to connect with other guys who want to be better men, just write me and get on the list.

Another thing that is on my mind today is something I read a couple days ago.  It was this article that was supposed to be very forward thinking.  I could tell by the way it was written that the woman writing it felt like she had nailed it, like she had discovered the secret of manhood.

The title of the article was:  “Nice Guy’s aren’t good men” written by a woman named Lisa Vallejos, PhD.  It was basically a long list of examples showing the difference between a nice guy, and a good man.

Here are a couple quotes from the article:

“A nice guy will cloak his intentions and be unclear, while a good man will be upfront with his intentions and be very clear about his aim. The good man leaves no space for ambiguity.”

“A nice guy will have loose boundaries and will bend over backwards just to seem nice. A good man has clear boundaries and, thus, earns the respect of the people around him.”

To be clear—I don’t really disagree with anything she said on it’s own.  Her descriptions of a good man were accurate and well thought out.  What I have a problem with is the overall premise saying that if you are a good man…you can’t be a nice guy.  Like the title says; that nice guys are not good men.

With all due respect to her degree…I just have to disagree.  I think where she is missing it is in her definition of a “nice guy.” 

Here are a few of her descriptions of a nice guy from the article:

“A nice guy will tell a pretty lie to avoid the discomfort of telling an ugly truth.”


“A nice guy will do nice things with unspoken expectations attached.”


“A nice guy fears rejection and so he seeks validation.”


“A nice guy will blame others, circumstances, or fate for his lot in life.”

When I read these descriptions, of which there are many more, I do not see a nice guy being described.  What I see is a sad excuse for a male human.  A spineless, self absorbed, candy-ass facsimile of a man who is pretending to be nice.  The problem is…there isn’t anything nice about a guy like that.

That’s why I feel like a truly good man, is by definition, an actual nice guy.  He’s the real thing and not a pretend nice guy because a good man has a certain level of genuine care for those around him.  Their safety and well being.  Sure he might hurt feelings occasionally because he is being honest, but overall, that is a greater kindness to the people in his life than being a deceptive jerk, or what the author of the article would call a “Nice Guy”.  By the way, I mean no disrespect to the author at all, I just happen to not agree with her entirely.  Here is a link to the article so you can read it for yourself:  ARTICLE .

I did an entire show about this very topic back in episode 129, called “Nice Guys Finish”.  You should listen to that if you haven’t.

I would be interested to hear you views on this.  Wether you agree with me or not I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.  I think its important that the title nice guy and good man, are not mutually exclusive.  I think we can be both.

As you all know, my book Forging A Man is out in print and on kindle.  If you have been listening to this podcast for any length of time you have probably heard a lot of the stories in the book.  However, some of the early feedback I’m getting is that it’s different reading the story.  It hits you different, like it attaches to a different part of your brain or something.  Anyway, I would love it if all my listeners got a copy and shared it with people you know.  Read it to your kids, or send it to someone you think could use it.  There is a link below.

Something else I have not talked about in a while is Patreon.  If you are a listener of this show, if you keep coming back, then you must be getting some value out of it.  My question for you is, if that is the case then why not support it.  There are several ways of showing support for the show.  You can buy a kilt from our sponsor, and you can also get my book.  But if you aren’t a kilt kind of guy and you don’t like to read, you can also go to our Patreon page and pledge a monthly amount that is totally up to you.  It can be as little as a dollar a month, but all these dollars add up and they also let me know that people are getting something out of the show.

All of these links can be found below.

Now head out into the world in your new kilt, and seek out like minded people to spend your time with.  Don’t allow your sum total to be diminished by others.  Also don’t be offended if someone says you are a nice guy, as long as you are also being a good man, or at the very least, a better man today than you were yesterday.

Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon.



Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page.  Or, click on these links.





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