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136 – When Bad Things Happen



Today I’m going to talk about the fact that life isn’t fair at all, and a lot of bad stuff happens. How we should deal with that as men.

We all know this is true, we have all had bad things happen to us.  We have all been treated unfairly at one time or another as well.  Some men have been treated much worse than others.  Other men certainly feel like they have gotten the bad end of the stick…but it’s really all about perception isn’t it?

Bad stuff happens to everybody across the board.  Some people are born into bad stuff and others earn bad things through their own behavior. The fact is that bad stuff happens to everyone from the most privileged, all the way down to the least privileged. 

It’s true…my bad stuff might not even seem bad to you, or visa-versa.  The guy living in a trailer park in some forgotten town in the midwest will have a much different idea of what BAD is, than his counterpart attending an Ivy league school to become a lawyer or doctor…but their perceptions are both equally valid.  The things that happen that we perceive as bad are entirely a matter of our own perception.

There is a reason I am trying to establish that bad stuff happens to everybody.  Because it’s real easy for people to get caught up looking at other peoples lives, instead of their own.  So lets agree for a minute that bad stuff happens to everybody.   Let’s Not worry about how much worse our bad stuff is than someone else’.

Now lets talk about ways to deal with bad stuff.  There are lots of different kinds of bad stuff.  I think in most cases, a high percentage of our bad stuff that happens is brought on by our own choices.  That is how it has been for me in my life most of the time.

I personally am thankful for this kind of thing.  Because when I make a bad choice, and something bad happens as a result, that is actually my path to a better life.  Because I can learn from that mistake and improve my behavior in the future. 

A lot of guys choose not to look at it that way though.  Instead they blame someone or something else, they make an excuse.  When you blame something else or make an excuse for a bad choice…you don’t learn anything, and you are therefore doomed to repeat it.

There are tons of other kinds of bad things and injustices that happen to guys.  Just like in the first example, the absolute worst thing you can do is allow yourself to become a victim.

If you become a victim of something, wether it be the economy, politics, society, the justice system, family court, your gender, your sexual preference, your race, your ex, or your culture…the moment you become a victim of something you have placed yourself in a subordinate role to that thing, whatever it is.

I want to make a distinction here between being victimized, and being a victim.  Being victimized is the thing that happens to you whatever it is, but being a victim is the state of mind you deal with it in. 

For example in 2008 I was victimized by the economy and had to abandon a lucrative real estate career, but I did not allow that circumstance to turn me into a victim. I didn’t become a victim…I just went and started a new career doing something else, because my blaming the economy or the situation would not make anything better, it wouldn’t change the facts, I would still be out of a job.

Here’s another example;  Right now there are certain movements and mens organizations that are blaming feminism for the fact that they can’t get a date and have no success with women. 

Rather than acknowledging their own inadequacies and focusing on improving them, instead of figuring out how to become attractive to women, these men have become victims.  They have placed themselves in a subordinate role to the feminist movement and are blaming this movement for their own inadequacies, as though women should be under some obligation to be attracted to them. 

That is just crazy to me, because it isn’t fixing their problem.  Their problem being unsuccessful with women and not being able to find a mate.  In fact…it will probably make their problem much worse.

It’s bad enough when something bad happens to a person and they start blaming and making excuses.   It gets even worse when people with the same bad stuff happening start banding together to complain and whine and blame and make excuses all together.  Now you have an entire movement that won’t fix anything.  Because everyone is focused on their victimhood rather than on what will correct the situation.

Don’t misunderstand me here.  I am in favor of people sticking up for themselves.  I am in complete support of people effecting positive change through intelligent civil discourse, or even through more severe means, depending on the situation.

If the early American colonists had focused on being victims of England, we would still be subjects of her majesty.

When I got divorced I could have focused on being a victim of the family courts…instead I focused on being the best dad I could and I eventually got custody in spite of those courts, not because of them.

So you see what I’m saying here?  It’s all about how we direct our focus.  Sometimes there seems to be a thin line between focusing on a solution rather than a problem, but the line is always there. 

Once again it all comes down to this; the things we focus on expand.  If you focus on being a victim, you will remain a victim.  If you are focused on the things happening to you instead of focusing on the solutions…those things will continue to happen to you.

So when something bad happens to you, and it will, try changing the way you think about it.  Try focusing on whatever positive you can get from it, what you can learn by it.  Make a distinct effort to not blame something else or make an excuse…focus on fixing it, and that is what will happen.  The things we focus on expand.

Thats it for today guys, now head out into the big wide world and take care in how you direct your focus.  Just because other people are making excuses, doesn’t mean they are right.  Be your own man and create the things you want to happen by focusing on the results.  You’ll find when you approach life this way that you will be a better man today than you were yesterday.

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