My name is Alf Herigstad and I would like to welcome you to Being A Better Man. The podcast that is focused on the character of men exclusively. We talk about a wide range of topics here, but they all relate back to us individually, and what kind of men we are.
As I go through this episode I will be using the pronouns of heterosexual relationships, mainly because that is the majority of who I’m talking to. If you are of another gender preference or persuasion just insert your own identifier. The him, her, he, she isn’t that important…what’s important is that we are all humans and these things are true for everyone.
There is a question that every man asks himself through the course of his life. Sometimes he asks it once, and sometimes it may be several times. The question I’m talking about comes up when you meet a new potential woman who you think might be worth investing yourself in. The question is; “Is she the one.”
THE ONE. That is kind of a big deal in our common vernacular. It is a statement that combines a lot of concepts together. Like will she be a good wife, a good mother. Will she be a good partner in the the lifestyle that I want to live, will we be happy together forever? Will she get along with my family and does she like dogs and if I go fishing will she want to come with me?
For each one of us, the requirements of “THE ONE” may be different. We all have a different idea of that dream girl, and it depends a lot on where you are from and what your interests are. What your sense of humor is like and what kind of person you are attracted to. It’s different for everybody.
Even when we know the answers. Even when we know the kind of person we are looking for, it seems like this question frequently comes up, sometimes at the last minute, when you are on the threshold of the altar about to get married. “Is she the one?”
The intent of this episode is to give you a shortcut to that answer. Some of you that are blinded by love or lust won’t hear me…but hopefully the rest of you will.
I’ll start by identifying some of the ways you can be sure she is not the “ONE”.
If you have frequent fights, or any fights, and call each other names—she is not the one. Remember nothing gets better–if you are fighting now, you will fight more later.
If you feel like you have sacrificed a portion of your personal identity in order to be with her, she is not the one. If your identity is diminished in the relationship it will create resentment that builds until it erupts, usually in an ugly way.
In the event spending time with her and her family seems more like a chore than a joy…she is not the one. Anything that seems forced or unnatural is a red flag to be aware of.
You each have things that are important to you. If her things become more important than your things, there is inequity, and she is not the one. Love can’t thrive where inequity persists.
If you are the only source of her happiness and fulfillment, if the world revolves around you alone it may feel good at first. However, it could be a sign that she is incapable of generating her own happiness and therefore, may not be the one. Besides, no human should be entirely responsible for another persons happiness.
If she is jealous for no reason, she definitely is not the one.
If she is attempting to change you in any way, if she is unsatisfied with something about you and is encouraging a different behavior…she is not the one. You need to accept each other exactly how you are in the moment.
If you ever find yourself complaining about her to your close friends…she is not the one.
I’m just scratching the surface here with signs she is not the one—but you should get the general idea. If something isn’t right in the beginning…it never gets better. In the beginning is when people are on their best behavior, from there the little problems become huge issues.
Now I’ll talk about how you know she is, or might be, the one.
Instead of fighting, if you are able to talk about your disagreements intellectually and sort it out without anyone getting angry…she might be the one.
Do you feel like you can completely be yourself without any repercussion, if you actually feel like the person you are is enjoyed and celebrated—she might be the one.
If you are happy when you are going to see her. If the prospect of spending time with her causes excitement rather than anxiety, she might be the one.
Have you have been trustworthy, and as a result of that she trusts you implicitly—she might be the one.
If you can admit your shortcomings to her with no fear of judgement, and accept her advice—she might be the one.
If kindness, love, and compassion take priority over being right—she might be the one..
It’s really not a big mystery. The problem is that when guys are in mating mode they tend to overlook a lot of the small details that make a huge difference later on. When guys allow themselves to be governed by their biology rather than their intellect…things often end badly.
Look every individual and every situation is a little bit different. There is no confirmed formula, there is no magic wand or specific, definite answer when it comes to matters of love and passion.
What I can tell you for sure though is that there is a way to have integrity and be a good man regardless of the situation.
Never compromise your personal morals. Do not be deceitful in your communication. Be realistic with your expectations and consistent in your behaviors. Be honest even when it hurts and never ever allow your identity to be diminished. Likewise, be respectful and encourage the identity of others.
If you do not feel celebrated for who you are. If you don’t celebrate the person your with for who they are, then there is a good chance that you are not a match.
In my opinion, if you find yourself asking the question; “Is she one”, then the answer is…no. If she is actually the one, then you wouldn’t be asking the question in the first place, because you would already know.
It’s not rocket science, we all kind of know this stuff already, but our biology and our passion and our excitement gets in the way of our intellect and the next thing you know we’re stuck somewhere that’s kind of miserable. When we are miserable, we can’t be the best man that we are capable of being.
That’s why I’m talking about this, not for you exactly today necessarily, but for you in the future as well. We all encounter these situations in life, and if we can think about them before we get there it can help with our decision making process.
None of us get it perfect right off, life is a journey and we usually have to fail before we succeed. It is my intent, by talking to you about this stuff that some of the pitfalls of life can be be avoided, so you will have more ability to stay focused on the things that matter.
Oh guys head out into the world and if you find yourself asking if she’s the one, remember that she probably isn’t. Also remember that if you are true to the man that you design yourself to be…the right one will show up when she is supposed to, and you will recognize her when she does, and that’s huge. In the meantime, all you have to do is keep on being a better man today than you were yesterday, and then keep on doing that every day.
For those of you already happy in your relationships, I hope this episode serves as a validation of what your doing right. If not, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate where your at.